I’ve been on the receiving end of a fair share of dick pics in my lifetime and honestly, I’m not complaining.
Many people don’t like receiving dick pics, but sometimes dick pics can actually be the best. They essentially serve as an advertisement and let us know what a potential partner is working with. They can show us what is waiting in our beds (or the floor, sofa, kitchen counter, shower, etc.) when we get home. They remind us of the peen we’re missing if we’ve already had it. Let’s be honest here, I’ve used a saved dick pic or two for some solo action on more than a few occasions.
Unfortunately, an unsolicited dick pic can kill the vibe in any conversation.
However, not all dick pics are created equal.
Dick pics are like a science--follow the theory for the best results. Here are some do’s and don’ts do live by:
- When to send an unsolicited dick pic?
Never. End of story. Consent is key. Ask for permission.
Never send on nudes on a dating app.
Don’t send a dick pic as an ice breaker. It is a major turn off and not a great first impression. If you do, I’m swiping left, blocking you or even reporting you in a heartbeat. Not sexy, just gross. Even if I am on the app just for some peen, wait until exchange numbers to show me your dick. Showing your dick to a total stranger is just weird. Have some patience. Can we at least get some coffee first?
- Go hard or go home
Nothing is worse than a soft penis. If I want a dick pic, I want to see what you’re working with in all its glory. I want to be turned on here! Show me the goods and make sure they are at full mast before you set sail by hitting send.
- It’s not a measuring contest
Putting an object like a remote or a soda can next to your dick for scale doesn’t make your dick look bigger. It just makes you look desperate. Like, “look at me my dick is big!” Also, don’t zoom in to make your dick look bigger. That won’t work. It just makes your dick blurry, creepy and look like an unrecognizable bug.
- Angles, angles, angles
Taking the perfect dick pic is like taking the perfect selfie. Wieners already aren’t really nice to look at, so you have to do your best to make it look as aesthetically pleasing as possible. You have to find the right angles and lighting. Pubic hair is cool, but when I receive a dick pic please show me an angle where I don’t have to search through a jungle of pubes to find your tree. Remember, mirror selfies are bottom of the bin trash, so same goes for mirror dick pics.
- No pants
Seeing your dick poke out of your underwear or your pants around your ankles is creepy and lazy. You couldn’t even make the effort to take them off? It’s just as bad as leaving your pants on during sex. Like you just don’t give a crap and you’re ready to pull them up and leave at any moment. Try people, put some thought into it!
- Remember that it is now open to the public
Once you hit send, your dick pics are now public. The recipient is probably going to show it off to their friends if it is drool worthy. Make sure your face or any identifying marks are never in the picture because it could accidentally or purposely (ex’s can be crappy) end up on the internet.